So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
