the condom got lost in my hair
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
