Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
