Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize