my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize