I think my vagina is haunted
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
