You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
