Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
