Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
