So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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