I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Bring me that man meat
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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