Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
