That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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