I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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