John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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