I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
