Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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