and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
