I can tuck mytits in my pants
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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