never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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