the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize