I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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