Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
