She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
