I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
