you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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