You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
