I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
