do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
