my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
