He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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