Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
