did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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