My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
