I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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