so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
