my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
