her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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