Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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