You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
