Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
