So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
