she woke up with a sticky ear
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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