please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
