I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
