You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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