I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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