Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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