You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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