i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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