well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Everclear isn't food dammit
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
