mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
