Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
