I'm gonna have a badass scar
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize