You smell like a Billy Joel song
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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