...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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