Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
40s are totally the cure
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
